PEACE LIKE A RIVER
“I’ve got peace like a river in my soul.”
There are songs I’ve sang since I was a little girl that were just fun songs to sing. I didn’t think too deeply on some of the lyrics of many tunes until I got older. Then they hit differently with me. Peace Like A River is one of those songs that simply hits differently today than it ever did as a child. And I have a pretty clear idea of why.
I lacked peace like a river. I lived with a constant inner state of raging rapids in my mind, thinking of all the reasons why I wasn’t worth much in this world. I worried that I was the black sheep of the family and felt like I had imposters syndrome trying to keep up with what I perceived the expectations inside and outside of my family were of me. I could feel that at any moment I would be found out and would not only bring shame to the family name, but would exposing how I wasn’t worthy of good things because I didn’t perform at a quality to deserve good things. The turmoil of keeping up robbed me of true peace.
I lacked joy like a fountain. I thought God had created me to be a jester. That my purpose was to ignore my inner sadness for the sake of making sure everyone else around was happy and filled with laughter - because they deserved that when I didn’t. I was on earth solely for entertainment. The loneliness of faking a joy I didn’t possess kept me further from truly obtaining it.
I lacked love like an ocean. I was convinced that I was either not loved at all or was the least loved of anyone in a room. I believed I didn’t deserve reciprocated love. The love that was bubbling over from inside of me was not meant to be shared, but to be wasted and spilled out on the floor of my sorrowful life trajectory. And I definitely didn’t think God was too interested in me - though I was completely obsessed and in love with Him. The fear of not being loved for all of who I am built a cage around my heart and my thoughts for the majority of my life.
But, today… My soul has all 3: peace like a river, joy like a fountain, and love like an ocean.
“I didn’t know what the peace, joy, and love would look like in detail, but I dreamt that the details would come if I ran toward them with everything in me - and they did.”
I never thought this would happen, though I hoped it would one day. I didn’t know what the peace, joy, and love would look like in detail, but I dreamt that the details would come if I ran toward them with everything in me - and they did. The details abound and there is still so much more to be unlocked. But I am so glad this Holy Trinity has settled in. When before, my emotions kept me swaying to and fro, my knowing and claiming my worth keeps my peace, joy, and love anchored, even when my emotions don’t match what I know is true.
There isn’t a soul on this earth that wouldn’t want to live out that trichotomy with full certainty for the rest of their lives. I’m living proof that it’s there for the taking if we want it that badly.
